Naquada

I quite often get emails at home, the classic 419 type Nigerian scam, trying to get your details or money in a scam to defraud you..

A while back I was a little shocked to find that I actually got a letter at home, telling me of a large lottery win..

Maybe it wasn’t the best day to send me a letter like this, I had a cold, combined with headache from hell, so maybe wasn’t in the most understanding mood… however… My hand addressed letter clearly stated;

This is to inform you on the relased of the loteria primitiva internation programme, held on the 24th of august 2006… my name.. attached to ticket number xxx-xxx-xxx-xxx has won 615,810.00 euros…

and all I need to do is contact mr Stanley Moya (that well known spanish name) at the ocaso security company SA to claim my winnings….

Thankfully… He’d put his telephone number and fax number on the letter.. I obviously had some questions about the 10% fund that they will take from my bank on the winnings.. and just how lucky I was to win this lottery I’ve never heard of….So I thought.. best give them a ring then!!

bbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (the sound of spanish telephones…) I’m ringing (I assume) the office of Mr Stanley Moya, the forgein service manager of OCASO Security Company SA

Stanley: ‘Undefinable mumbling (Possibly I woke him up..) hello..’

Drew: ‘e’karo (couldnt resist that.. its nigerian for good morning.. I thought he’d not notice!).. you sent me a letter saying I’ve won some lottery?’

Stanley: ‘Ah.. yes you get confirmation of winnings?’

Drew: ‘Apparently… apparently I’ve wone almost 616 thousand euros…’

Stanley: ‘Ah yes. you have congratulations from <undefinable mumblings..> you fill in fax and send us.. and we can send you bank money for the winnings.. congratulations yes’ (I’m actually thinking he needs to improve the script here.. he’s not sounding overly spanish)

Drew: ‘Well thats great, I’m just not quite sure on something… I didn’t actually buy a ticket…’

Stanley: ‘yes yes yes.. you send the form we send the money..’

Drew: ‘no no no… how did you get my address and the ticket.. I mean I havent played the loteria primitiva bonus bonus bouns clap hands (which I think was a little lost on him…)’

Stanley: ‘Yes you play with the ticket, you name, was selected from (what sounds like..) the address errors !??!’

Drew: ‘But.. well.. ok.. but I need to pay you money to get my winnings…’

Stanley: ‘we. as your acting agent will use 10% of your winnings but not until the money is with your’

Drew: ‘But under lottery laws.. thats illegal.. and besides.. I need a physical ticket to claim my winnings…’

Stanley now starts to become a little hot under the collar.. even for a possible nigerian spanish madrid dweller… in fact stanley, far from the cosey view i’d have of a ’stanley’ having a nice thick yorkshire accent.. has one muther of a nigerian slant to his voice…

Stanley: ‘you win, you take money, congratulations, you fax us your bank details..’

Drew:’well personally I think this is a scam.. in fact.. i know it is.. your listed as a scam, and theres over 28 identical serial numbers on the internet the same as mine for my winnings, and apparently, theres only 17 winners worldwide… So can I ask where you got my details..?’

Stanley seems to be getting a bit annoyed now.. not sure why… I’ve not even started yet…

Stanley:’if you think this is scam then you dont take money, you dont talk to me again.. I have nothing to tell you on this..’

Drew: ‘well look. I’m only asking.. dont get upset…’

Stanley: ‘I no talk with you further on this…’

Clunk…

seemed stanley got a bit miffed and might have accidently dropped the phone… So I decided to give stanley some cooling off time… ooh about a minute… and rang him back..

Brrrrrrrr

Stanley: ‘mumblings…’

Drew: ‘Hiya.. i think we got cut off.. we were talking about how you got my address….’

Stanley: ‘I dont know what you are wanting me for…’

Drew: ‘Oh just would like to udnerstand the whole processes here.. how did you get my address..?’

Stanley: ‘we get address from (and I swear he said it again..) address errors and flight plan..’

Drew: ‘address errors?’

Stanley: ‘no… address erros..’

Drew: ‘yes thats what i said.. you got my address from address errors..’

Stanley: ‘no… address errors..’

Drew: ‘look stanley.. can call you stanley… ? I’m not good on these spanish names and mr stanley moya is a bit hard to pronounce, and I’m just worried I’ll get it wrong…’

Stanley: ‘you can call me what you wish…’

Drew: ‘ Excellent.. can i call you bert? or ernie ? e’jo? ‘ (again nigerian for please.. but he didnt pick up on it again…

Stanley: ‘I dont know what you are wanting from me…’

Drew: ‘Your the company that told me I’ve won almost 617 thousand euros right ?’

Stanley: ‘we have your ticket, you have to give us bank details to be have the money..’

Drew: ‘but how did I get a ticket… I didnt buy one..’

Stanley: ‘we have brought one for you as your agents and you have won the funds congratulations..’

Drew: ‘you brought me a ticket, without me even asking you? wow thats really nice of you.. hey bert… sorry stanley.. you sound a really nice bloke.. ‘

Stanley: ‘You have to send us your details so we can put the money into your bank please..’

clink… I think he accidently dropped the phone again…

brrrrrr…..

Drew: ‘Stanley..?’

Click…..

It seemed that stanley started to get a bit annoyed with me.. not sure why, I only called him 28 times.. a few times during the day.. and rang him a few time at about 3am his time, just to make sure my new friend was ok.. Sadly thought me and stanley didn’t work out.. I didn’t get my money.. and Stanley didn’t get my bank account details..

Michael Berry has a great book called Greetings in Jesus Name!: The Scambaiter Letters. It covers the conversations and letter to and from the Nigerian 419 scammers, which is a thought.. I dont think anyone yet has written a book about slightly amusing telephone conversations…

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